Hillary Endorses Guacamole

Today, former First Lady Hillary Clinton opened up what may be a sweeping new campaign position. Chips and guacamole go together. Speaking on the stump in Nevada on Jan. 11, she reaffirmed her campaign's committment to making sure that no chip travels unaccomanied by that gooey, green goodness known as guacamole. "[O]ne is guacamole, and one is chips....they both go together," said the former First Lady, to cheers in the audience.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, one campaign staffer said that "Hillary is trying to reassure the chip-eating crowd that she is the real person with the experience to change things for them. This stimulus package of guacamole will both make Hillary seem like she is a real person, and will appeal to younger voters, just like Obama does. We want voters to know that Hillary is a nice, yet tough agent of experiential change who is in touch with her emotions and knows how to eat guacamole."

By linking chips with guacamole, Clinton is reaching out to those who for years have eaten chips without guacamole. "And I keep urging people, get out and do this, for yourselves, your families, your future,"she later said. Clinton views this program as crucial to her campaign. "I come with all of my experience and my lifelong commitment to making positive change for people with a record on issues that matter to the people of Nevada," she said.

Clinton's endorsement of chips and guacamole comes as no surprise to those who know her. Former White House staffers note that she often ordered guacamole and chips be brought in to ease tension during sensitive negotiations. "She often brought chips and guacamole to the table while she brokered the peace deal between Northern and Southern Ireland," said a former aide, also speaking anonymously. "She had this great recipe she would just whip up. The entire Healthcare Task Force just lived on the stuff while we worked to socialize medicine."

Presidential Candidate Barack Obama also weighed in on the guacamole controversy. "Change is what we need in this country, because change is different than not changing. Now, guacamole has its place, and I respect Senator Clinton for her guacamole. But change is change. And we must not allow thought or logic to get in way of change. We need guacamole like John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King dreamed of. We must peddle the hope that America will unite around a bowl of guacamole! A bowl that embraces red chips! Blue chips! Chips of every color! Uniting into the noble sea of green goo that will carry us into a new era of change and hope!"

Former Senator Jonathan Edwards had little to say, except to note that his grandfather ate chips while he worked at a guacamole mill in South Carolina.

Republican hopeful Mike Huckabee disagrees with the First Lady's proposal. "Everyone knows that Democrat guacamole is full of pork," he told reporters earlier today. "I've always been a salsa man myself."